#PaasaBells Pwede huwag ka paasa. Why do you have to ask me if I miss you and how much? I am doing my best not to act how I feel when you are around so where are those questions of yours coming from? I don’t think you know I like you and even if you do I believe you will never like me back ( He should because he’s already married). Since I started liking you I have never think of doing things to make you realize how I feel for you because its just plain useless if I do. Even if you find it out and even if you like me back I won’t act on it. I maybe one of those no boyfriend since birth people but never did I dream of becoming a mistress. I’m not that desperate. I would rather be single forever than make someone a single mother. I actually don’t know why am I writing this probably because since the day you asked me those questions I started to hope for something I shouldn’t so this is just a BIG reminder to myself that there is absolutely nothing to hope for and that I should not even think of hoping in the first place.
So this is how steroid withdrawal feels. I feel like my head’s gonna blow up and I am gonna throw up anytime. I dont know why the ED doctor did not taper my prednisone before stopping it and I also dont know why on earth did he gave me 40 mg once a day. Yes I know I am an adult but my body is not. Im freaking 41kg (its not my freaking choice) so he shouldve atleast adjusted it according to my weight instead of just prescribing the usual adult dose. Its hell for me right now. I cant think straight. I feel so dizzy and weak. I hope this goes away tomorrow. I’ve been sick for 2 consecutive weeks already I dont want to spend another week sick again.
I am starting to had enough of my work already. I’m so Ffing tired every working day. I don’t want to complain but I cannot take it anymore. It’s not about my doctor who is very hard working, its about the work itself. If only I knew I would be so exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally for like everyday since I started my job as nurse, I would have not chosen to be one eventhough my parents would force me to. It’s a career where people are not appreciated, underestimated and is treated like slaves despite all the hardwork they went through to be in their profession. I’m not being racist or whatever but the people where I am currently working are the worst people I have ever serve in my 7 years as a nurse. People here don’t give a damn on nurses they only see the doctors. I’m not saying they should worship us like how they worship the doctors but they should atleast respect us as people because most of them don’t. I understand they are anxious and all because of their health problems but that doesn’t give them the right to order us around like we awe them our lives. And really just how narrow their minds could get? Where on earth would you see patients asking their doctors to lie just so they could get all the treatment they want done right away and for free and how could they ask nurses to do things that is obviously and totally not part of their job? and unfathomably how could even those “educated” patients do those things as well? I want to bang someone’s head against the wall everytime I encounter such patients. They are so selfish. I dont want to regret being a nurse but things like those forces me to.
Stop forcing me to drink what I don’t and will never drink like how you don’t like someone forcing you to eat what you don’t and will never eat!!!!#OKAY
For goodness sake, If you really don’t want me to reject you everytime you invite me to attend cliche parties, stop making me do things I don’t want to and don’t stop me from going home early because it will just prove to me more how loathsome parties are.
This is why I don’t like explaining myself anymore everytime someone asks me why I act the way I do because they never really listen. I have said time and again social interaction in like parties, gatherings and even meetings drains and tires me and that I hate being in a crowded place for a long time but still they would force me to go and would make me do things that would drain my energy more than I expect I would. They would do things to make me the center of attention ( more of a laughing stock ) and would say things that would make me look bad when I say Ill be going home already.
I will never really understand how some people are so inconsiderate and selfish to the outerspace level.
YUI’s songs have always been one of those things that have kept me strong despite all the hardships I went through. As what nobuko said in the photo above, her songs gives us hope and courage to fight and not to give up.
Ganbare, Ganbare! Set your life on fire. Keep on living in the reality that is still going on-YUI
Yui will forever be my one and only idol and like what I am always saying whenever its her birthday I am and will always be grateful to her.
“Leave me alone!” said to me by one of the Doctors in Surgical Department. Those three words did not just hit my ego hard but also my heart.
That doctor was the only doctor that I have assisted the longest when I was still a float nurse and for all those months that I have worked with him, he never said those words to me until last month.
Let me tell you more about how I started working with that doctor up to that time he shouted those 3 words to me.
I was a float nurse for one year before I transferred permanently to the Surgical Department as a regular staff nurse (Float Nurses are group of nurses who are assigned at different departments everyday to give help or to cover departments who are short of staff) but I’ve been working with them already for 3 months to cover the nurse who resigned there before I have offically joined them. When their shift leader found out I will be one of them soon, he immediately re-assigned me from being a general help for all the doctors to being one of the temporary nurse to a specific doctor. He buddied me up with one of their nurses who was working alone with that doctor to help her with him because no one wanted to be assigned to the section where all the dirty work happens, that is, the colorectal surgery which is that doctor’s specialty. I really don’t care wherever section they assign me to because that’s just how things are at work when you’re a “newbie” nurse (eventhough technically I am not), your senior nurses will give you all the hard work and assign you to the high maintenance or to those arrogant and foul mouthed veteran doctors because they believe that is the only way for us to learn which is quite true.
When I started with them their doctors doesn’t have their primary nurses yet just temporary ones. They were just often if not always paired up to nurses who are already familiar with their needs and their work flow to avoid unnecessary dramas from happening. Since I was still a float nurse when they have assigned me to that doctor I figured I will be with him for as long as both of us can because as a float nurse I was not really expected to know everything in a department as we are just with them to give them a hand so those shift leaders were really smart on assigning me to him so they won’t hear dramas from him for sometime. He could not make a scene since he knows that I was just with him to help the nurse that is usually assigned to him and that he should not complain and be thankful instead. He was still quite handful at first despite that. He was really very picky and dislikes new faces. I could see it on the way he was trying hard to control himself from getting mad at me when I did something that was not done the way he wanted to. He was very particular. He wants you to be like this and like that whenever you’re assisting him and he would easily get pissed off if you forgot his routine but working in surgical ward for 7 years made me immune to those surgeon’s attitudes. An OR nurse once told me those attitudes are far more worse when they are in the OR so I was not taking his behavior seriously since those OR nurses were having it worse but they are surviving. I didn’t care even if he was cursing and swearing on like every little thing. I just laughed and smiled away all his mood swings and tantrums because I know nothing good will happen if I keep up with him.
That doctor might sound to be a very ill mannered and impatient doctor so far as my story goes but he has some redeeming qualities. If you have worked with him for quite a long time, you would realized he is actually a very nice person. He likes to teach and is very appreciative of your work. He would always say thank you for everything you’ve done for him and he considers his colleagues as family.
It took me 2 months to get through him challenging my patience but since then everything went smooth for the three of us. We were actually starting to form a dream team but 3 months later came the primary nurse assignment. My partner and I was kicked out from being his temporary nurse and was replaced by a newly transferred nurse. We were so sad because we have went through a lot with him already and it felt like everything we’ve learned from him was for nothing. But there was nothing we could do the change was ordered by the higher ups. They told us the new nurse will be able to give our doctor a lot more help because she “has” expert experience on his specialty unlike the two of us who were just assigned to him because no one else wanted to. That was really unfair of them but we know we will be digging our own graves if we go against them so we just took what they’ve said at face value and carried on.
Seven months after the primary nurse took effect I was still intermittently assisting him like when his primary nurse is away as there were still only a few of us who “knows” him but the two of us were no longer working as smoothly as before. We were like how we were when I started working with him. Last month his primary nurse went for a 3 week vacation leave and unfortunately my doctor and my partner to that doctor before went for a vacation leave as well. It was unfortunate because I knew I will be the one to cover his primary nurse while she’s away to avoid dramas from happening. Everybody knows our doctors got worse after they were given primary nurses. Their flexibility decreased. They were so clingy and only wants their primary nurses to assist them. They all became jerks and he was exceptionally not an exception. I knew for sure he will be grumpy and hard to work with because for three weeks he would have to deal with a “new face” again that is why I asked our shift lead if she could spare me and just assigned the new nurse to him because eventhough my doctor was away my hands were still full and working with a grumpy doctor at the same time was the last thing I would have wanted to do. But she new better than pairing him up with a new nurse. So I was left without a choice. For them I was the rose among the thorns.
One day I have assisted him on doing an ultrasound to a patient. After he was done doing the procedure he told me his plans and asked me If I can make sure his patient will be seen by neurology that same week because he needs the patient’s back pain evaluated before he operates on her the week after next. I told him I’ll try my best because I know neurology clinic is always jam packed. I called the clinic’s shift lead after and told him what that doctor wants. He told me he is not sure if they can see the patient that week but what we can do to expedite things is to ask him to order the neurology referral as urgent even though the patient situation is not. It is done so to have the patient included on their urgent referral patients list, which their doctors review the next day and decide from there when they would see the patient, instead of us waiting for other scheduled patients on that week to cancel their appointments and put her in. So then I went on inside the MDs workroom and nervously approached that doctor because I know the possibilty of his patient not being seen on that same week will piss him off but his reaction after I told him everything the shift lead said was nowhere near than just being pissed off. He suddenly went balistic and shouted “What are you saying?!” “That is stupid! Leave me alone!!!” at me in front of my colleagues. I got scared. I dont know what’s gotten into him. I wanted to walk away and cry but I didn’t. I held my tears and stayed put instead and thought of possible reasons for his behaviour like maybe I did something wrong like he did not completely understood me because I tend to speak quietly when I’m intimidated so I repeated everything as clearly as I can but he just turned his back on me. That moment I know that that was it he will not listen to me anymore but still before I walked out of the room I reminded him again that they will not see his patient if he won’t follow their instructions.
That was not the first time he raised his voice at me so I should be used to it but I just couldn’t imagine he could say those mean words to me after all I’ve been through working with him. He made me feel like I’m some stupid leech. It really hurt me mentally and emotionally. I know I should not take things personally but that was way too cruel of him. It was only on the first half of the day when that happened and I still have the whole afternoon with him. I didn’t know what to do then. Part of me wants to grant his wish and leave him alone with a new nurse but the other wants me to just suck it up. After weighing things, I did the latter. I took my lunch and then went straight to get his first afternoon patient and assisted him like nothing happened but I know things changed. I was no longer talking to him the way I was that morning. I didn’t want to be near him anymore as I was scared he will shout at me again. I didn’t wait for him to finish talking to his patients like how I used to eventhough I couldn’t understand a thing because they’re talking in foreign language and I would go out of the exam room immediately after he’s done doing PEs. I also made use of the new nurse they gave me. I had him assist the jerk in almost all of his patients in the afternoon so I would not have to talk to him. He too acted as if nothing happened. He didn’t even care if it was a new nurse that was assisiting him and he only said thanks to the new nurse after his done with his patients eventhough we were both in front of him. I dont care if it’s sincere or not but he could atleast said something to appease me a bit.
Good thing his primary nurse finally came back the next day. I didnt have to deal with him for some time. I could never really get mad at anyone because I know there’s always a reason behind everybodys actions it just saddens me how some people could not bring themselves to apologize when they know they did something wrong. I dont know if complementing me the next day was his way of apologizing but I dont need his complements what I need is for him to throw away his pride just for mere seconds and say sorry and thats it. I dont need him to explain. It doesn’t need to be all dramatic and he doesn’t need to do it in public. But I figured it will never happen. So I just moved on. I didnt let what he did affect my care and concern for his patient. I still did my best for his patient eventhough I can just leave everything undone and that doctors primary nurse can take over me already. I still followed the patient and made sure everything he ordered for her was done before the day of her surgery. After two weeks all of the things that that doctor planned pushed through and the patient’s surgery went well. That really made me happy for the both of them. You might be thinking I did those just to please that doctor and make him feel guilty but I can confidently say I didnt. I did it for the patient and for myself. I knew it when I didnt even think taking credit for everything I did. What i have thought about was how I was still able to do everything despite how I was treated and how it was a proof to myself that I am not what he made me feel.
If you are thinking this post will be about my introversion again, fret not because it is not, this is about the travel plans I had in the past 6 months that got cancelled due to my so called friends who always backs out at the last minute.
I am not afraid to travel alone but what’s keeping me from doing so is that I have some health problem that if it decided to make it’s progress during my solo trip will definitely put me into danger but anyway my health is not the main issue here, like I said its those so called friends of mine who have ditched me several times already with lame excuses and the latest being their need to renew their visas, they cannot move their annual leaves anymore, etc etc and etc. They might not sound lame to you but they are to me because they were the ones who planned those damn plans and made me promise not to back out in the first place. I know I have backed out as well on some of our travel plans before but never did I do it after everything is nearly done and without valid reasons. And really, to hell with those excuses as it was way long before the actual travel date they have thought of those plans. They have had enough time to fix whatever it was they need to ffing fix and besides I am usually if not always the one who’s doing all the work after they lay out their bloody objectives. I am the one who makes the iteninaries, watches out for hotel deals and discount on air fares, understands those countries’ migraine triggering transportation systems, prepars reqts for visa, and everything stressfulelse. So how come were they not able to fix their stuffs?
Then there’s this worst part when I found out that the one who gave me that “I still need to renew my visa” excuse backed out because she have actually already booked a tour and joined her other friends in Greece. Greece needs a VALID UAE visa for entry so how on earth was she able to go there few days after she ditched me if she STILL need to renew her UAE visa? Great job on lying to me my friend. You really made me feel so betrayed I could whack a nose.
Oh well, whats done is done. Everythings fine with us now but I’ve already learned my lesson not to expect anything from them anymore especially when it comes to travel plans. The one who lied to me still have the guts to include me on her plans on touring Russia. I told her I would like to join them but I will act on it 2 mos. before the planned travel date and that I would rather take the risk and go ALONE instead if they are just going to make me do everything again.
Gomenasai for ventilating my disappointments here. Ill just wait and see. Hopefully, on my next post on Travel category It will be about the actual travel not like this one.
Ja mata ne!