許して忘れます Yurushite wasuremasu

Forgive and forget. I don’t really know why am I always doing that. So many people have wronged me already but never did I hate or resent them. I can’t even stay mad at them for days. I sometimes need to pretend I am mad just so people around me won’t be upset for me being so soft hearted.

Just last week the same doctor who yeld at me before yeld at me again (actually for everyday I am with him) for like the whole morning I was working with him when I have not done anything wrong to him.  I was not really planning on crying and walking out from him because I am so used to his assholeness that I am already just quietly and secretly laughing at him whenever he lashes out on me but I was not able to stay put that time anymore.

I was alone working with him and I have all his patients coming to to their appointments and all of them having some kind of procedures where I need to be with them the whole time while there are other patients waiting for me outside asking for this and that. I was so tired and it was not even noon yet. I dont really stress myself by complaining about things that is out of my control but having someone who constatly lashes out on you for no reason when you are already tired is just too much. I had to walk way from him.

He apologised to me after he found out I cried but he didnt do it right away. He did it when he saw me on about to go home already.  I am not sure if he just wants to give me time to cool down but anyway I was not really expecting him to apologise to me in the first place so I just went on with my life in the afternoon but I was assigned to another dr already.

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Dare desu ka?

Khalas friendship. I dont know if she even considered me as a friend but I dont care now after she rubbed so many times on my face the things that extroverted people always says to introverted people like me. When we became “friends” I actually said to myself, “Great! I found another introverted person like me.” But obviously I was wrong. I didnt know that the one who I thought I will be friends for a long time here in UAE will be the first one I will “unfriend” not just in the virtual world of facebook but also in reality. I am thankful for all the memories we had but she have hurt me so much that I have chosen to forget them.  So for you my colleague dont wonder why I will just walk passed you like I dont know you because from now on I do.

Aenakute sabishi?

#PaasaBells Pwede huwag ka paasa. Why do you have to ask me if I miss you and how much? I am doing my best not to act how I feel when you are around so where are those questions of yours coming from? I don’t think you know I like you and even if you do I believe you will never like me back ( He should because he’s already married). Since I started liking you I have never thought of doing things to make you realize how I feel for you because its just plain useless. Even if you find it out and even if you like me back I won’t act on it. I maybe one of those no boyfriend since birth people but never did I dream of becoming a mistress. I’m not that desperate. I would rather be single forever than make someone a single mother. I actually don’t know why am I writing this probably because since the day you asked me those questions I started to hope for something I shouldn’t so this should be a BIG reminder to myself that there is nothing to hope for and that I should not even think of hoping in the first place.

atama ga itai 😣

So this is how steroid withdrawal feels. I feel like my head’s gonna blow up and I am gonna throw up anytime. I dont know why the ED doctor did not taper my prednisone before stopping it and I also dont know why on earth did he gave me 40 mg once a day. Yes I know I am an adult but my body is not. Im freaking 41kg (its not my freaking choice) so he shouldve atleast adjusted it according to my weight instead of just prescribing the usual adult dose. Its hell for me right now. I cant think straight. I feel so dizzy and weak. I hope this goes away tomorrow. I’ve been sick for 2 consecutive weeks already I dont want to spend another week sick again.

Tsukareta!

I am starting to had enough of my work already. I’m so Ffing tired every working day. I don’t want to complain but I cannot take it anymore. It’s not about my doctor who is very hard working, its about the work itself. If only I knew I would be so exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally for like everyday since I started my job as nurse, I would have not chosen to be one eventhough my parents would force me to. It’s a career where people are not appreciated, underestimated and is treated like slaves despite all the hardwork they went through to be in their profession. I’m not being racist or whatever but the people where I am currently working are the worst people I have ever serve in my 7 years as a nurse. People here don’t give a damn on nurses they only see the doctors. I’m not saying they should worship us like how they worship the doctors but they should atleast respect us as people because most of them don’t. I understand they are anxious and all because of their health problems but that doesn’t give them the right to order us around like we awe them our lives. And really just how narrow their minds could get? Where on earth would you see patients asking their doctors to lie just so they could get all the treatment they want done right away and for free and how could they ask nurses to do things that is obviously and totally not part of their job? and unfathomably how could even those “educated” patients do those things as well? I want to bang someone’s head against the wall everytime I encounter such patients. They are so selfish. I dont want to regret being a nurse but things like these forces me to.

どうして わかって くれない の Doushite wakatte kurenai no?

Stop forcing me to drink what I don’t and will never drink like how you don’t like someone forcing you to eat what you don’t and will never eat!!!!#OKAY

For goodness sake, If you really don’t want me to reject you everytime you invite me to attend cliche parties, stop making me do things I don’t want to and don’t stop me from going home early because it will just prove to me more how loathsome parties are.

This is why I don’t like explaining myself anymore everytime someone asks me why I act the way I do because they never really listen. I have said time and again social interaction in like parties, gatherings and even meetings drains and tires me and that I hate being in a crowded place for a long time but still they would force me to go and would make me do things that would drain my energy more than I expect I would. They would do things to make me the center of attention ( more of a laughing stock ) and would say things that would make me look bad when I say Ill be going home already.

I will never really understand how some people are so inconsiderate and selfish to the outerspace level.

Ja!

がんばれ Ganbare!

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YUI’s songs have always been one of those things that have kept me strong despite all the hardships I went through. As what nobuko said in the photo above, her songs gives us hope and courage to fight and not to give up.

Ganbare, Ganbare! Set your life on fire. Keep on living in the reality that is still going on-YUI

Yui will forever be my one and only idol and like what I am always saying whenever its her birthday I am and will always be grateful to her.

Ja!